I feel like I’m on the border of something.
As I think about heading into Colour Conference this week I know the next two days are going to be crazy. I haven’t packed yet and I can’t see the space I’ll have time to pack in the next 48 hours.
I’ve been climbing a metaphorical mountain this year already. This past seven months I’ve jumped into a new job. There have been tears in the climb, there still are tears in the climb – but each step up, each tantrum, each snot bubble has brought new lessons, new blessings, new vulnerabilities and new trust.
You know that feeling when you’re pretty sure everyone else has learnt what you haven’t learnt about 10 years before you and it’s too late to ask? I get that a lot, but each step, each layer peeled back is revealing a new level of trust in me.
I didn’t realise how little of myself I trusted with people outside of my housegroup and family until recently – and how afraid I was that I would lose people if I shared.
This ridiculousness of feeling like a failure when I am most vulnerable is slowly being broken down, and swept out of my life, piece by piece, it’s going to be a process – it is a process, but it’s happening.
Sweethearts, if I take anything from this it’s that, vulnerability is such a strength, and our words have power to both build up and destroy.
This month I attempted to brush off some words that hit my heart, I was discouraged and believed the negativity spoken over me. But i’ve also been reminded that, you don’t take to heart anything that your heavenly father doesn’t say about you.
You may believe you’re a failure – your heavenly father calls you beloved, redeemed, restored.
You may believe you can’t fight anymore – Your heavenly father gives you armour to put on each morning, he fights for you and let’s you shelter under his wings.
You may struggle to think you’re beautiful (another journey!) – Your father calls you his child, he had you in mind before you were even a heartbeat. He designed you, so perfectly, he calls you his daughter/son.
I feel like I’m on the edge of something new.
I’m totally in love with a worship song I heard recently that says this:
In the crushing, in the pressing, you are making – new wine.
In the soil I, now surrender, you are breaking – new ground.
So I yield to you and to your careful hands
When I trust you I don’t need to understand.
These past few weeks there have been times I’ve felt crushed and pressed beyond what I thought I could bear. But there have also been spectacular blessings, and I’ve been loved back to life by some incredible experiences, conversations and loving hands that have helped me to stand again and fight.
Through it all – God never abandoned me, didn’t leave me to fend for myself, never gave me more than I could stand.
In fact, when I look back a little his hand has been in and on and through it all – as it always is.
So in your pressing, in the stress, in the times you don’t know what to do – have courage, hold on and cry out. Get your nearest and dearest to pray for you, but go to God yourself too.
There is nothing too big, too impossible, too frightening for God – and nothing he won’t do to protect, grow and save his kids.
Just hang on in there.
I’m heading into Colour Conference expectant that something new will flourish in this season of new responsibility, challenge and pressing. Now is the time for me to yield more into his careful hands and trust more than I ever have before, even when I don’t understand and I can’t see the next step.
Father help me to trust you, without borders, without restrictions, when I don’t understand. Help me to have greater faith in you, to be even more grateful for each blessing and to truly cherish the people that speak your love and life into my heart.